26 July 2011

Transformer 4: Dark of the Mall

Have you watched Transformers 3? Pretty confusing, isn’t it? For example, I can’t tell the good robots from the bad ones because they look pretty much the same. I can’t catch up with which transforms to what as the transforming process is so fast and the final product is so different from its original that I feel completely lost.

That makes me think of the Hi-tech Village as well, especially our favourite shopping malls. One evening, I had a movie date with a girlfriend and days before our date we had decided to head to Union Bar and Grille at IFC for some fatty foods and men-hating chat before the movie. We’d been there a lot of times over the years so we decided to meet directly at the bar. Turns out, I forgot my phone and when I got there, Union Bar and Grille was gone. What’s worse, my girlfriend just changed her number so I had to call a guy to hack into my email to find it. The stupidest thing I’ve done in the 21st century.

You know what happened to Union Bar and Grille? It transformed into a jewellery shop. It’s a million times harder to get a guy buy you a diamond ring than buying you a drink. Now one less place for central ladies like me to hang out. Quality of life downgraded from B- to D-.

Other transformers that make you wonder whether the Village has been attacked by some dark forces in the Universe.

Starbucks to Louis Vuttion at Pacific Place. Frappuccino transformed to luggage boxes.

Seibu to Harvey Nichols. Shoes you can splurge on transformed to shoes that will cause you bankrupt.

Kelly and Walsh to a greenhouse that is going to incinerate the only few readers alive. The original location of the bookstore, again, will be transformed to a palace of Our Majesty, Louis Vuitton.

Let’s pray the leather of the luxury goods can keep us alive when the Village has come to an end.

13 July 2011

An Urgent Question for our Bald Eagle Copper Chief

In the early morning of July 2, 200-odd hordes from the LSD and People Power were arrested by the coppers "on charges of illegal assembly and obstruction of public places". As these punks from the LSD and People Power are infamous hooligans and could easily blow the whole Hi-Tech Village to smithereens, our boys in blue decided to pepper spray them in the face and handcuffed them upon arrest. Chief of the local coppers, the Bald Eagle Tsang Wai-hung insisted that there had been appropriate use of force, as they had worried that the thugs would hurt themselves and others. As an open suppressor of civil liberties and human right, I of course see eye to eye with the Bald Eagle and can in no way see why the hell Human Right Watch asked us to investigate into the coppers' action...

Until I saw this thread at the Hong Kong Golden Forum. The poster dug out some journalist pictures of arrests in the Village in the past and asked why those under arrest were not handcuffed. Among them are:

A driver who beat a pedestrian up and refused to undergo an alcohol breathalyzer test

Francis Ng Chun-Yu who allegedly wounded others

A man who allegedly murdered his girlfriend

Another man who allegedly stabbed his neighbour

An alleged murderer who had her hand free to give us a finger

So Bald Eagle, why aren't they handcuffed? I demand an immediate remedy to this lawless situation. I hereby suggest that anybody under arrest in this Village to be turned into a human centipede so that they cannot hurt themselves and others. Kids who steal chocolate bars from supermarket, prepare to eat shit.

07 July 2011

Apple Daily Juxtaposition FAIL! Or WIN?!

Last night, when I was busy leveling my character on World of Warcraft, Icarus asked me the most awkward kind of questions you can get in-game: "Hey, is Jiang Zemin dead?" Upon hearing that senseless important question in the midst of a fight realer than anything in the motherland, I almost stopped throwing heals on Icarus and let the mobs fucking rape him. But Icarus had his point. The rumors are so real because ATV, the pro-Beijing TV channel that nobody watches in this village, had the nerves to report that last night. Worrying so much about the motherland's dearly beloved former president, I have been keeping an eye on the update, but till now we still have no clue. After a whole sleepless night and prayer after prayer wishing Comrade Jiang well, I dragged myself out of bed this morning heavy-headed to find the below on the headline of the most trusted paper in this village:

Now that is clearer. Long live Comrade Jiang!!!