Retarded Gov't Press Releases to prepare you for the Mooncake Fest

I tried very hard to avoid thinking about this. I normally tried very hard to make my public holidays come as surprises. That "unexpected" tomorrow you don't have to come back announcement usually make my dullest day of slavery. It could feel entirely different, of course, when that announcement has an effect on tomorrow after tomorrow after tomorrow after tomorrow. I even shut myself down to annoying ads like this, and pretended that it's not yet close. But my struggle was proved to be futile. Yes, the Mid-Autumn Festival, or as I prefer, the Mooncake Fest, is coming on next Wednesday September 22.

No, it was not Joey who reminded me about this and ruined my plan. Of course, she's usually the one who likes to ruin my everything. This time it took a couple of retarded government press releases to do the trick. When I was scanning through my RSS, the subject "Public urged not to burn wax..." just caught my eyes. The thought that the government is finally saying something about S&M hit me immediately. But no, nothing that exciting. It was actually a release from the LCSD telling us not to burn wax when celebrating the Mooncake Fest. The term "burn wax" is just fucking enchanting, don't you think? When you scan through an article and see a sea of "burn wax", like this:

burn wax...............burn wax..........burn wax, burn wax....burn wax
.........burn wax.....burn wax burn wax burn wax burn wax.......burn wax
burn wax burn wax burn wax burn wax burn wax burn wax

You just have to read it. Yes, burn wax!

And this release is so fucking badly written.

First, it started off claiming that they are appealing "to the public to keep places clean and tidy and not to burn wax when celebrating the Mid-Autumn Festival". An immediate put off. No littering and wax burning, end of the story. And then a "spokesman" came in. The spokesman speaks, as it is his job, and tells us that they're deploying 1,000 staff members to watch you. Ok, I'm shit scared, so what should I do?

First, I should "wrap and properly dispose of my rubbish in litter bins". Secondly, I should not "burn wax (here we go again! BURN WAX!!!) when celebrating the festival. I should not sprinkle or pour liquids onto hot wax, which might cause injuries or damage to property". I should also not "place lit candles on the ground and grass pitches of LCSD venues...Zzzz....Zzzzz....Zzz".

Then it came the ordinance copying-and-pasting part of the release. We're threatened not to burn wax, why? Because if you get caught, you're "liable to a maximum fine of $2,000 and 14 days' imprisonment". And if you hate wax-burning, you can report them. This is going to be a fun hide-and-seek Mooncake Fest. The wax-burning haters hunting the wax burners down. The wax-burners just have to do that every year. Why? No why really, Villagers are raised to burn wax like that. And why there're wax-burning haters? They're simply jealous jerks not having the skills to burn wax like this.

That's it. That is the press release. It can be boiled down to 1) not to burn wax; 2) not to litter; 3) we're watching you.

Ok, let's not burn wax then.

Another hilarious piece of press release related to the Mooncake Fest was this one issued by The Centre for Food Safety (CFS). They tested different kinds and brands of mooncakes sold on the market, although they found no shit in them, the "spokesman" had to remind the manufacturers to buy ingredients from reliable sources, when most of the mooncakes had already been produced for this year. Yes, the spokesman needs to speak, so we better excuse his bullshits.

The climax of the release was where the spokesman "advised the public to observe the 'five keys to food safety'" when we buy our mooncakes.

1. Buy your mooncakes from reliable outlets; check them carefully; eat them on time;
2. Put them in the fridge;
3. Use icebox to carry snowy or ice cream mooncakes out;
4. Wrap your mooncakes and store them separately from raw food;
5. Wash your fucking hands before eating them!!!

Tell me the government never, ever, thinks that our Villagers are idiots. You know what? I think the spokesman missed two important points regarding mooncakes. He should have warned us to never consume mooncakes like these and never throw mooncakes down the street, they could hurt like watching this fucktard flash.