14 June 2010

Should We Sleep With Someone On A First Date?

Driven by pecuniary interests, haste has become a hallmark of virtue while patience would count as a prelude to unproductivity. This culture of haste, unfortunately, has not just effected the world of business, but also integrated with our social life. If haste is considered a norm, it is perhaps because it allows us to get numerous things done in a day, and we may therefore cut away our unnecessary concentration on the minute details which may slow down the process to attain our goals.

If haste has become part of our daily habits, then it is not surprising to see how our romantic life becomes more like a fastfood meal rather than a decent supper at a restaurant. If a man wishes to take a lady out on a date, rather than pleasing her with humours, etiquette, and his intellectual candour, he only offers show off his wealth in front of the lady, while the lady in return harbouring a financial respect, evoking a sense of commercial optimism as well as romantic pessimism. What is worse is that his true aim is not amorous possession, but rather solely physical possession. How easy a sentiment that has been praised in literature, novel, poetry, and films is reduced to a mere mathematical formula. How easy money can savour a woman's body.

If the sole criterion of love is based on how good we perform in bed, it is because sex becomes a legitimate substitution for love. Sex has become an ends rather than a means, just like money has become another substitution for happiness. Traditionally, aside from prostitution, love was thought to go before sex. It was believed that it was not a good idea to engage in sex before the consideration of falling in love. Sex was therefore a supplement to love. That is why the first kiss and the foreplay were important. Because the performers of these acts wished not just to hold and savour the physical realm of the other halves, but also the spiritual realm, in order to make sure that they were sharing the bed with someone who could fathom their souls. However, in the world of twenty first century, where it conspires to kill our power of concentration, the young have become compulsive sex addicts. On the surface, they may all seem willing to risk everything to attain their beloveds, but what lies deep in their hearts is a night in bed generating pleasurable sensation of rubbing their receptors under their skins against each other.

But is sex really our ultimate desire? Are we forever condemned to follow a Darwinian approach to love? But this is an illusion of what we want to attain. The problem of this illusion lies not in the tolerance of easy sex, but rather in failing to entertain the benefits of delay. An easy access to a woman's body is precisely why it is most unlikely to encourage love. At one level, sex may grant us the most pleasurable sensation ever known, but at another level, it may fool us into thinking we have acquired what we truly want. Because the woman is unable to foster doubts in us. What is most attractive about a woman stems not from her submission to the dominance of men, but rather the difficulty of attaining her. If she is not as easy to possess as a prostitute who can be possessed by commercial means, then it suggests that there is something mysterious about her and makes allowance for us to perform a clear-eyed investigation on her.

Upon the interval of desire and gratification, it prompts us to study our beloved on a closer examination. We are allowed to study her tastes for dance and music, her opinions in politics and science, and her characters. Moreover, in the physical realm, we may be able to pay closer to attention to what initially attracts us the most. We could study his facial structures, her indentations, and the curves of her body which may enhance our appreciation and love for her. A prostitute, on the contrary, will sooner or later cease to generate desire in us, because she is always available, ready to reveal her naked truth, and gives us what we want to attain beforehand.

So why do we want sex on a first date? Though physical intimacy may put us in direct contact with the object of desired, it does not guarantee us intimacy of souls. If sex can substitute love and women fail to please us in beds, or vice versa, we may risk laying down judgements falsely on their characters only based on the sexual gratification we have received. We must therefore realise the limits of sexual contact and revise what possession truly means.



  1. 'what lies deep in their hearts is a night in bed generating pleasurable sensation of rubbing their receptors under their skins against each other.' that's erotica!

    will, if only you knew how brutal the dating environment is for women of my age. sometimes we just can't afford the delay of gratification (or the teasing) because men will grab another girl much younger and hotter if we don't give in by the third date. i wish they fall in love with our brains, but turns out they are more interested in the size of our foot.

    while theoretically, love should go before sex and sexual desire may blur the vision of finding true love, i do believe love can arise from sexual gratification or sex can intensify love. maybe it's the hormones. maybe it's the fact that opening up of our body leads us to open up our soul.

  2. "What is most attractive about a woman stems not from her submission to the dominance of men, but rather the difficulty of attaining her." - I don't think just because you've had sex with a woman, it means that you have 'attained' her - or that the mystery is gone. A woman is unattainable until she wants to give herself to you, regardless of where sex falls into the picture.

    on another note, yes by sleeping with someone on the first date - you are giving into your physical desires over your emotional desires - but i agree with bambs, sex can definitely lead to emotional intimacy.

    and also, i think a lot of what defines where sex falls into the picture of a relatoinship - is dependent on what you're looking for in the relationship - sometimes the woman is only looking for sex. sometimes its more than that, but usually, when a woman is on a date with a man - she can sum up what this man wants from her and what she can get out of him - i dont mean that financially, but whether its sex, a relationship or a potential life-love - and upon that observation, her attitude changes, including whether she's going to sleep with you or not.

  3. MonKey,

    I don't think that's what I meant. I don't think the fact that I've had sex with a woman means that I have possessed her. And that's one of the points of this essay.

    But if you just want sex, why bother going out on a date?


  4. ahhhh okay. i understand.

    and as for your second point, dates can be like foreplay. its fun. not that im speaking from experience or anything. elephants dont date. we just forage.

  5. to apply the terminology of the pick-up artist community, that's called 'anti-slut defence'. some women will pretend they cannot be easily attained when deep inside they just want sex. that's why we go on a date when we have already assessed what the guy is truly after.

  6. meh. i dont liek that term 'anti slut' - i dont think you are a slut just because you sleep with someone on the first date.

    and also, its good to go on a first date to see if there is Any CHEMISTRY. sex is just sex, yes but sex has to be HOT. you need to meet the guy once or twice to figure out if u're actually attracted to him....

  7. "some women will pretend they cannot be easily attained when deep inside they just want sex. that's why we go on a date when we have already assessed what the guy is truly after."

    That's exactly the problem because most men don't usually go on a date just for sex, they'd rather go for hunting at a pub or club. My point of this article was that they think sex means intimacy of souls and that sex is the core of a relationship.

    And I think it is better not to have sex on a first date, but of course, having sex on a first date does not necessarily mean you are a slut. We should just take some time out to enjoy the feeling of love before our bodies can freely roam over theirs.

    Going on a date is perhaps considered a foreplay for women only. For men, foreplay usually means a casual chat or the kissing before sex. They are not as patient as women.


  8. This is easily your best article I have read of yours so far... probably because it is a subject so close to the, err, skin.


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